Single–Still or Again


According to some recent studies, singles are on  the rise and beginning to outnumber marrieds. The church, however, doesn’t reflect those numbers. “Your church should be filling up at least half of your pews with single people,” writes Joyce Chiu. “So what will get them there?”

What emerges is a portrait of an church that is still firmly family-centered even while the demographics within it have shifted. Single people make up more and more of the church body, which means forward-looking local churches benefit from understanding singles and incorporating them meaningfully into community life. Although single and married believers are in the same boat together, we’re all at church to worship and serve God, singles can be overlooked. They want to be visible–they want to belong. They have unique contributions to make in advancing Christ’s kingdom.

So how can your local church create a welcoming space for singles?

Recognize that single people’s needs may look different from yours.

When a single person talks about feeling lonely, it’s common for a married person to counter that he or she often feels lonely, too. However, studies show that singles are more likely than married people to feel lonely. And singles often experience a different kind of loneliness that includes physical as well as emotional isolation. The church needs to acknowledge singles, take them seriously, and  listen.

If have you capacity, draw them into your family life, too. “Single people can feel invisible in the place they most need to be seen,” Micha Boyett writes. “You can invite single people to hang out with you at home, participate in family activities, and enjoy the occasional meal. Everyone, single and married alike, can learn something from putting aside preconceptions and simply being in community with one another.

Recognize their disadvantages.

Those who are single often find themselves “outside the system” of family-focused churches and face the awkward silence that ensues when they say they don’t have spouses or kids or grandchildren. They often end up sitting alone in the service week after week. They sometimes get overlooked when people are getting together socially. And they are often treated like misfits– herded off because no one knows what else to do with them.

It’s time to start rethinking how you look at fellow worshipers. A church isn’t made up of family units and spare parts—it’s made up of people, all of them made in God’s image and worthy of fellowship. As one single woman shared, “I wish there was greater understanding that we are not ‘strange.’” Or as Lisa Anderson put it, “Single isn’t synonymous with alien.

Serve singles, and recognize that singles often serve without reciprocation.

The book of James encourages Christians to “look after orphans and widows” (James 1:27). Although contemporary single women (divorcees, never-marrieds, and widows) don’t face the same challenges as first-century widows,  many experience significant financial instability, vocational disruption, and other notable challenges. In that sense, the church needs to come alongside.

Even small things matter. One woman told me that she didn’t mind caring for children in the church nursery, but sometimes she wished some of those parents would reciprocate by helping her with household repairs or offering other assistance. Think of  the time and money spent on weddings and baby showers, yet no  one spends such celebration, such time, such money on singles.

Of course, singles are called to serve the church simply because it honors God and others.  But taking time to serve singles, recognizing, and celebrating their accomplishments is encouraging and kind.

As Paul writes, “If one member [of the body] suffers, all the members suffer with it; or if one member is honored, all the members rejoice with it” (1 Cor. 12:26, NKJV). In other words, your calling as a member of the body is to recognize those who suffer, empathize with them, and make sured Singlee they have what they need to be fully functioning members. Similarly, their calling is to do the same for you. In doing so, we honor not just those around us—we also honor Christ, to whom we all belong.

(Enjoy more about the single expereince in Mary Haight’s blog post, “Singleness is My Only Companion.” Her blog, Thoughts From A Seasoned Single is linked under “Just A Taste” on the SALT’ homepage.)

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Empty Next

It is the Empty Next. When children grow up and leave home, or it might come with retirement, or death of a spouse. It may creep slowly or enter with sudden force. Talented women, who long for intelligent conversation, are patronized, patted, or ignored.  Women who may have little power over circumstances in their lives—health issues, heartbreaking adult children—are expected to reduce their lives further to a senior efficiency apartment and a small pet under 25 pounds.

Recently, at age 63, I applied for an internship. I had waited years for the right time and opportunity. The program challenged my spiritual, intellectual, and personal growth and physical stamina. I found an unexpected love in this newness—hospital patients. But the glow dimmed a bit when spiritual leaders asked me why I would want to start something new at my age. They wondered how I would pay for it (none of their business) and if I was physically capable (I am an adult and capable of competent of decisions).  It was suggested that perhaps a volunteer position would be more appropriate. We celebrate young people enter a mission field, yet these questions rippled when a mature person, a mature woman, embarked on newness.

Often the church mirrors its society and ambles without care. The sheer, overwhelming number of women over 60 relegates them to commonplace. Replaced by newer, younger models in the workplace and in marriage, these women are cast aside and forgotten. Church leadership and even “elders” come into roles in their mid-thirties, squeezing older women to back pews. Teachers sprout in youth. Worship teams recruited from local colleges have no wrinkles or warble.

That is not to disparage the education, energy, gifts, or wisdom of youth. It is to say that ignoring the gifts of mature women robs the church of wisdom and richness and strangles its power.

 

Posted by Alice Longaker

 

A Woman’s Place

As I get a little older, my hindsight increases, and I can see life patterns. Some patterns are bothersome—maybe not to the extent of ranting or disrupting fellowship, but words are needed.

One such pattern is the ongoing discussion of women and their roles in the local church. In society and history, feminists sought education, careers, equality, and even independence. At times they disparaged women who sought a career in the home, or those who enjoyed cooking or sewing. Women at home criticized their sisters as reckless, harmful to the family unit, masculine, and emasculating. Instead of women offering salt and light to the world, the negative behaviors encroached on the Church—some denominations leaning too far one way, some leaning too far the other.

A woman’s place is wherever she is ministering with her gifts. Respect for the woman called to minister to infants in a nursery should equal the respect for the one called to mission in teaching. One is not more Biblical than the other. Cover your head, or don’t cover your head. Speak from the pulpit or do not speak from the pulpit. Disagree or agree. But do so with respect and the expectation of learning from  one another–not the gossipy asides, condemnation, or jokes at the expense of others.

The following video might begin some dialogue.

Posted by Alice Longaker